Innermost Thought

6 years ago today, I left Texas. I'd been planning the move for some time but when the company I worked for in Houston sold my division and asked me to spend a week overseeing the transfer to the new division in Atlanta I saw my opportunity. Instead of flying me back to Houston, I had them fly me to Newark and so began my journey.

I had thought that I actually arrived in NYC this day but as I look over old journal entries I realize that I actually arrived on the 20th. The 16th is when I went to Atlanta to "oversee".

Following is a blog I wrote before I actually had a blog. It was the original inspiration for the term "Tex in the City" which I later donated to my (now shuttered) company Tex in the City, LLC. Back in October 2000, Tex in the City was a Texas girl's musings on life in the Big Apple; what was different, what was the same; the good, the bad, and the homesick-worthy. I look back on this article and remember the promise and the uncertainty.

October 18, 2000:
New York Journal on the way to New York City

First of all….I love expensing. $40 per day on food. How decadent!

The Grape @Vinings just opened. As the name implies, the whole concept is based on the appreciation of wine. They have something like 100 wines by the glass and a few carefully selected food offerings. It is a great looking place-decorated with lush purple chairs and green and amber accents. Gray iron tables outside invite you to have a seat and enjoy a grape. There are huge heat lamps standing by in case the air gets too nippy. In the retail portion of the shop the poles are designed like Christmas trees with multi-leveled single bottle bins for bottles of wine. You can buy a bottle of whatever you loved in the restaurant or ask the very knowledgeable salesperson to suggest a wine for any occasion or palate. The Grape will become a trendy hot spot in Atlanta if they can work out the kinks in their service.

So out of 100 wines I just had the Malbec by Elsa from Argentina. At $3.50 a glass it is a bargain and further proof that this little wine bar will fare well. The Argentineans do know how to make wine. Walter, my Argentinean friend, should be proud.

Sitting in Atlanta, about to embark on the adventure of my life.

Sitting in Atlanta alone and scared and almost too old to do this.

Sitting at a wine bar in Atlanta on somebody else’s dime (what a way to leave a company!) alone and scared and exhilarated and pretty darn happy for the direction I am going. Due north to Gotham, the Great Metropolis, the Capital of the World, the Big Apple.

The thing about journeys: There comes a point when you are no longer leaving your home, your friends, your family, your car and really your entire life as you know it. The moment your bags are packed and in the car and you shut that door for the last time. Turn in your key. At that point, you are no longer leaving someplace, you are going somewhere. The end of the goodbye and the beginning of the hello. That part has always been so exhilarating to me. No longer leaving what you love, or hate if your not as lucky as I, but embarking instead on something new, and, you hope, wonderful.

I love that moment. At that moment, you know that everything is all right. You are free from the constraints of your old life. Your new life is not yet before you but you are filled with the promise of what it might be.

Last weekend, I had my doubts. Between the packing, and the planning, and saying goodbye to well-wishers who didn’t exactly get what I was doing or why I was doing it, I wanted an excuse to stay. I wanted a way out of this scary, monstrous endeavor that I had gotten myself into. As much as I may have looked, no excuse came. There was no reason good enough.

And now that I am literally half way there, I know that this road is the path to take. This road is my direction. I don’t know what is there for me in New York City but I do know that what is for me…is there. In New York City. So, in three days time, after I finish out my contract I will pursue my lifelong dream to be an actor. In New York.

I am sitting in Atlanta at The Grape @Vinings on a cool clear evening. The air is crisp. The leaves are yellow and here I sit amazed at the changes in the season marked so vividly by the trees in a small hamlet in Atlanta. I can feel the changes in me too. I have said my goodbyes. I am looking toward the future. I think I am ready.